One last time…

06/10/18

Dear Luke,

Whilst I knew that we loved each other in equal part, I often felt like my need for you was much greater than your need for me.

When you cried, it was the first time that I really felt how much I meant to you.

You were experiencing the pain of loss and couldn’t cope with the strength of your own emotions. It broke my heart to see you this way but I was just grateful that I could be there to wipe your tears.

Breaking up for the second time was different and a lot has happened since I last wrote to you.

You went away for the weekend to visit your brother, but upon your return we met because we felt guilty for how we left things.

It was clear that we were both looking for any excuse to stay together, but then eventually you asked me:

Why should we stay together and grow to hate each other when we can just end it now in a good place?

You convinced me. And to be honest, I didn’t want our breakup to be abrupt and bitter. We both knew we had problems that we couldn’t resolve and that they would only get worse if we stayed together.

So we decided to spend two nights cherishing the time we had left together. We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, but every moment felt special and savoured.

However as they say, all good things must come to an end.

And before we knew it the time had come to say a teary eyed goodbye to the two beautiful years we shared together with one last kiss,

One last embrace,

One last touch,

One last time.

Love, Ruby x

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One year from now, will I still love you?

28/09/18

Dear Luke,

If you are reading this, it has been exactly one year since the day we broke up (for the second time). It is strange because I didn’t take note of the date the first time we broke up. Anyway, as a way of trying to cope, I started writing a journal. When I tried previously to write journal entries for myself, there was something that just didn’t feel quite right. I couldn’t stick to it and didn’t feel interested in myself.

I think it was because I was dying to be heard. To be listened to by somebody else. Somebody that would care for me and my thoughts more than me.

And that was something you did so well. You were not only my boyfriend, you were so much more than that. You were perhaps the biggest, most important person in my life.

You gave me the confidence to get out of bed in the morning and get on with my day. You gave me the purpose that I was longing for. I felt like life was worth living  because you were in it, and even at if at the end of the day, if I had nothing else, I knew I would have you.

I guess this is why it hurts so much.

It has been exactly twenty four hours and the pain of separation is raw.

I am just hoping that it gets better.

Love, Ruby x